'AITA for refusing to have my dad in my life after he chose his new family?' FINAL UPDATE
"AITA for refusing to have my dad in my life after he chose his new family?"
Parking_Breadfruit80
When I was 13 my dad had an affair and left my mom and moved in with his affair partner who ill call Jane. At first me and my sister would visit every weekend and I will admit he was a good dad although I never liked Jane.
When Jane got pregnant and had their son our visits became less frequent and my dad was more concerned with his new family. He would miss some of my my recitals or my sisters competitions because he was busy with his son.
When I was 16. Jane decided she wanted to move for a new job opportunity. Me and my sister begged him not to leave us bit he just said "I need to prioritize my family". He moved 10 hours away. That pretty much ended our relationship and I decided to go no contact as it was clear he did not consider me family.
My younger sister stayed in contact with him. He would try and call me and offer for me to come and visit with my sister but I refused. When he came back to see my sister I would refuse to speak to him when he turned up at the house.
I didn't invite him to my high school or college graduation. I'm now 33 and have remained no contact with him, he has over the years repeatedly tried contacting me and getting his family to contact me on his behalf to reconcile.
I have avoided family events in case he attended including my sisters wedding and baby showers. My dad and his family moved back to our home town 3 months ago and he has been relentless trying to reconcile.
I have received messages from my half brother and sister wanting a relationship saying he's a great dad. My dad found out I'm getting married and keeps trying to contact me and has even tried to speak to my fiance.
Jane messaged me saying I have broke my dads heart repeatedly and I'm pathetic and should get therapy. I replied back that she was nothing but a home wrecking monster and then blocked her.
Everyone seems to be wanting me to let him back in my life. I'm sick of all the harassment and accidentally bumping into my dad and his family in the town. Whenever I see him I just walk away and refuse to speak to them. Everyone is saying he's a good dad and tried his best to remain in contact but I pushed him away.
Everyone is pressuring me my mom, sister. Grandparents aunts and uncles, even some of my friends. My fiance has even started saying I'm the AH for shutting him out. Its all starting to get to me so am I AITA?
Edit 1:
Thank you for your comments I haven't got through all of them but I'm glad to know that most of you think I'm NTA which is a huge relief as I thought I was going insane. I'm going to have a serious conversation with my fiance as most of you pointed out he should have my back.
If he continues to defend my dad then I'm going to have to think if this relationship should go any further. We are 12 weeks out from the wedding but need to sort this out sooner than later.
For information:
I own a local business moving away is not an option. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and he is friends with a lot of people including my fiance family. My dad did not come back for me - he came back because Jane’s parents need help and care.
He has not financially supported me since I was 17 he withheld my college fund to try and blackmail me into having a relationship with him so I had to work and get loans. I've avoided events because my family use it as a chance to force reconciliation.
He also won't leave me alone and makes scenes - hell come up to me talking as if nothing has happened try to hug me or starts crying. I cant simply cut everyone off - everyone is on his side and against me including my own mother.
Edit 2:
To give you all a bit more context when he left my mom for Jane he only wanted us on the weekend my mom offered him 50/50 but refused. I didn't like Jane and was standoffish with her because I knew what they had done- my sister was too young to understand and was more accepting of her.
Jane was mean to me but nice to my sister when I was at my dad's I felt uncomfortable and she would purposefully leave me out of fun activities or plan things purely for my sister.
We had a few arguments over minor things but my dad always took her side. My dad and me used to have daddy daughter date at least once every 2 weeks. Jane put a stop to that.
When she had my half brother we went from going every weekend to once every 6 weeks. My dad was MIA and had finally gotten his precious son. He stopped trying with me.
When they moved I was so upset he chose to leave us. He didn't want custody, just for us to visit him every now and again and speak to him on the phone. Parenting at a distance so all of his focus was on his new family.
When I graduated from high school and refused to invite him everything blew up Jane called me some terrible names and so did my dad and he refused to give me my college fund unless i started being part of the family again. From what I gathered, he spent it on his new family.
I'm sick of being the one to miss out on events with my family. I would be willing to be in the same room but not interact or even be civil but he pushes things and makes it impossible.
Edit 3:
Have spoken to my fiance. Update will be posted shortly.
Here were the top rated comments from readers at this point:
Zestyclose-Sky-1921
NTA but this is going to be brutal if your fiancé doesn't get on board with your pirate ship. Depending on the size of your hometown and how serious he is about pushing this, you may need to consider moving, especially if everyone around you is involved.
queenlegolas
Her own fiancée doesn't support her. She's completely alone on this. She needs to get away. Dump the guy, be he's not going to respect her now. If she has kids, he'll get that jerk involved as a grandfather behind her back. Everyone is boundary stomping. NTA.
The OP responded:
Parking_Breadfruit80
I love my fiance, but he's a family orientated type of guy he's close with his family so doesn't understand my situation. It's not helping that everyone around us is advocating for my dad and making me out to be unreasonable.
CityLiving6977
NTA. If your fiancé doesn't support your dreams, moving might be necessary for your progress.
Ten hours later, the OP had already returned with an update.
"Update #4"
Parking_Breadfruit80
Thank you for all of the comments although most seem to be NTA some were YTA. Some of you gave helpful suggestions which I am planning to take on board. I have just spoken to my fiance and unfortunately it has not gone well but at this point in time I've had enough and want to runaway and never come back.
My fiance knows my history with my dad and Jane. I explained to him that him siding with my father and pressuring me was hurting me and as my fiance he should be supporting me.
My fiance who I'll call Logan told me he can't support me in doing something that he knows is wrong. Logan told me that he had spoke to my father and had an understanding of both sides of the story and believes that if we both sit down and talk we can sort this out and reconcile.
I told Logan I don't want this and want no contact and asked why he is even speaking to my father. Logan admitted his father who is friends with my dad encouraged Logan to speak to him and hear him out.
Logan told me my dad loved me very much and always wanted to be in my life and has pictures of me (I'm guessing he got these from my family as my social media is set to private).
Logan said my dad is heartbroken at the state of our relationship because I was being unreasonable about him moving away when I was young. Logan stated I got on the wrong foot with Jane and that I was not innocent in the breakdown of the relationship.
He told me that everyone can see the truth but me and to look in the mirror because I'm the problem. Needless to say I broke down crying and asked him why he was doing this to me and not supporting me. Logan claims to love me but won't stand by and watch me be "a heartless witch".
After he said this I stood up told him that he shouldn't marry a heartless bitch and walked out. I'm currently sat in my car. My phone is blowing up with Logan trying to contact me but I don't want to speak to him. I feel like I'm losing everything and everyone I don't understand what is happening.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the update:
Ladymistery
It's going to be awful for a while. Don't let them wear you down - because if you do, it'll just get worse. And at least you found out before you married L that he is like this. I wish you the best going forward.
Careful-Listen2277
"and at least you found out before you married L that he is like this."
For real! It's better to have found out before tying the knot that your future spouse is an 'affair/cheater sympathizer'. He claimed to understand both sides, but he really doesn't. He's only doing what his daddy wants, and following everyone else's led.
How you possibly excuse a man telling his own child that his "new family is more important" like TF?! He actually said the woman who helped him destroy his family is more important. Not to mention, he spent money that was OP's college on his new family out of spite! That's enough to seal the deal!
It's OPs 'sperm-donors' responsibility as a so-called "father" to repair and facilitate any kind of relationship with his child. HE decided to be a father! HE decided to bring OP into this world! It's NOT OP's responsibility to repair ANYTHING because her sperm-donor is the cause of EVERYTHING!
People seem to assume that things that occurred during your childhood shouldn't matter or affect you in your adulthood. However, that's not the case! Things, like what was told to OP during her childhood, by her own father nonetheless is extremely traumatizing!
And can have a permanent impact on her life. If the people that are saying OP is in the wrong, on here or their life, in any way, then they are most likely the toxic and enabling people in their own family.
There is absolutely no way for ANYONE to even give a logical reason to justify OP's sperm donor's actions! That's why people keep saying that OP "needs to forgive him, because that's her only father."
And all that other noise. Well, guess what, since people want to witch about him being her father then get on his case to STEP TF UP AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS!
The next day, the OP again returned.
"Update #5"
Parking_Breadfruit80
Hi everyone thanks for the comments and letting me sound off on you as I desperately need an outside perspective. I know a lot of you are telling me to cut all contact with my family and leave town.
That is not an option for me financially and I would not be able to set up business elsewhere all my money is invested in it and I have only managed to get established recently with steady income, relocating is not an option for me.
I love my friends and family and don't want to cut everyone off, I love my hometown I grew up here this is my life and I'm not willing to walk away from it. I didn't expect to write another update this fast but a lot has happened today.
So firstly I agreed to meet my dad to talk and try and get him to back off and leave me alone. I asked my mom to arrange it, just him no one else. I wasn't sure if he would agree to that but within 15 minutes of her calling he was at the door. I asked my mom to stay and mediate. To summarize the conversation. These are a bit messed up because it's a lot to remember.
Me:
I asked him to give me space and stop trying to get everyone on his side and let me live my life. I told him he stopped being my father when he moved 10 hrs away. I told him Jane was mean to me and told him about all the horrible things she has said to me over the years.
I hate how he chose Jane and his new family over me and how he told me he had to prioritize them and how he basically told me I wasn't family. He was an AH for withholding my college fund and trying to blackmail me and then spending it on his new family.
I hate how I have missed major family events because he attended the events and would make them awkward. I don't see his son and daughter as my family and I'm sick of them trying to speak to me and approach me.
He keeps making scenes every time he sees me and making me look the bad guy. He keeps inserting himself into my life going to my fiances family events, going behind my back to talk and sway Logan to his side.
I hate how he cheated on my mom and broke our family up and then listened to Jane who stopped our dates, missed my recitals, reduced contact and was more concerned about his son.
Him:
He loves me and always has he is never going to give up trying to reconnect and he has given me enough space over the years and he is done hearing about my life from 2nd hand knowledge and is not willing to miss any more if it.
He loves Jane and and can't regret his past because he wouldn't have her or his 2 kids. He wishes he had done it differently and ended his marriage with my mom first. His kids are innocent and I shouldn't be taking it out on them they just want to know their big sister.
I was difficult child who was rude and disrespectful to Jane breaking her belongings, calling her names, ruining day trips. When Jane got pregnant she was high risk and me coming every week and starting arguments was stressing her out so for her and his sons sake he stopped the weekend visitation.
He still spoke to us on the phone and took us out for dinner and days out but just didn't let us sleep over. When his son was born he was premature and had health complications which meant him staying in hospital for weeks and frequent hospital admissions. Jane was also going through PPD so he wasn't able to see us as much and had to miss some events when he was taking care of Jane and his son.
Jane was unable to get a job locally and the opportunity was too good to pass up so they had to move. He pointed out that he came back to town for weekends as much as he could to see us and would always invite us to fly out and spend vacations with him. He phoned everyday but I refused to speak or see him.
They had flown in for my graduation but I refused to invite him amd he lost his temper and refused to give me my college fund. He apologised for this and tried to fix this a few weeks later and give me the money but I refused it. He has not spent the money he still has it and I have only to ask and I can have it.
He had visited me at my college to try and talk to me but I refused to see him. He is not going to miss family events. He makes a scene because he misses me and just wants to talk to me and reconcile but I always end up running way or shouting insults at him and Jane.
He has been trying for 16years to reconnect but I shut him down at every turn he just wants to be my dad. He is old friends with my fiance dad and he hoped my fiance could talk some sense into me and open a line of communication.
He feels I never gave Jane a chance no matter how she tried in the beginning and hoped we could be civil. Jane hates knowing I talk bad about her, am mean to her children and won't speak to him.
He wants: My dad is in therapy and wants me to join him for family sessions. He wants me to spend time with him 1-1 To stop being rude and mean to his children and spend time with them. Stop trash talking Jane to everyone and actually give her a chance Invite for him and my family to my wedding and to walk me down the aisle.
I want: Him to stop talking to my friends and getting others to try and talk to me on his behalf Keep Jane away from me completely To be be civil at events or in town providing he does not try and hug me or talk to me.
My mom told him he was being unrealistic with some of the things he wants especially regarding Jane and his other children so we have agreed for now. I will attend 3 therapy sessions with him when he arranges it. (my mom thinks I need individual therapy as well).
He will stop trying to interfere in my life and relationships He will keep Jane away from me and talk to his kids to give me space. I will be civil to him in public as long as he respects my personal space and does not approach or pressure me.
As for my fiance - I still haven't spoken to him, he turned up at my moms but she refused to let him in. He keeps blowing up my phone and so does his family and friends telling me to hear him out.
During my conversation with my dad I found out my dad has paid for most of the vendors and services for my upcoming wedding and they have been on speaking terms for quite some time ( longer than I thought).
Logan told me his family had paid for these and i believed him. I feel betrayed by him and that I can't trust him. I'm going to have to speak to him eventually but I don't feel ready.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this update from the OP:
stoat___king
"I feel betrayed by him and that I can't trust him"
I would argue that you HAVE been betrayed by him. If he is going to side against you over something that is only his business through you, then who else would he favour over you? J? Mutual friends? Randos he meets at the bus-stop?
I suppose your dad paying for stuff for your coming wedding is neither here nor there since I have very serious doubts it will happen. I am concerned that your dad isn't seeing your side of this at all. I don't see how you could possibly have been more clear. I wonder if he is even capable of seeing your side.
Exciting-Sandwich553
Absolutely, the fiancé has betrayed her. By going behind her back and not only having a relationship with her father, but accepting money from him for their wedding and not telling her he is consciously choosing to do something he knows will hurt her and then lie about it.
He chose to lie and say the money came from his family, choosing to place money in a position of importance over his trust and relationship with her. The self-centered audacity of this man is disgusting.
Jovet_Hunter
As long as her dad fails to understand neither he, his affair partner, nor their children are in any way entitled to a relationship with OP, he is proving he is still putting her last.
Six days later, the OP again returned.
"Update 6 - AITA for not letting my dad back in my life after he chose his new family"
Parking_Breadfruit80
Firstly I'd like to apologize for taking down my posts. I was really upset and felt under lot of pressure and needed space to think without constant messages. Some of you were trying to be helpful and I appreciate that but some of the abusive messages I received was terrible.
I'm updating for those who have asked for an update and were supportive to me.
This will be my last post and I won't be posting again.
Firstly the deal with my dad is off the table. He couldn't even manage a week without overstepping my boundaries. So there will be no therapy sessions with him and I will remain no contact.
As you are all aware after speaking to my dad and agreeing a way forward and my conditions. Keep Jane away from me Tell his kids to back off Don't pressure me or invade my space
It lasted all of 3 days. Everyone seemed happy I had "forgiven" my dad and told me so. My sister was excited I was willing to give him a chance and with some pressure I agreed to have dinner with just her and my dad.
When my sister and I arrived at the restaurant to meet our dad he was not alone. He had invited Jane, my grandparents his son and daughter. He got up and tried to hug me.
I immediately became upset asking why they were there. My dad told me that if we have any hope of repairing our relationship I had to accept Jane and my younger siblings. I told him he just broke our deal and to never contact me again and tried to leave. He refused to let me leave and grabbed hold of me.
When I say all hell broke loose I mean it. I started shouting at them. My Dad, Jane and grandparents tried to gaslight me and convince me to sit down when that didn't work things got very heated and a shouting match started and a lot of unforgivable things were said by my dad and Jane including remarks about my appearance and calling me a psychopath.
My half brother walked out of the restaurant and my half sister started to cry. My sister actually surprised me and defended me, shouting at my dad for ruining things after all this time when I had finally given him a chance. She got me out of there and apologized to me.
I think this was the first time she had really seen how Jane was with me and how she treat me. She kept saying she couldn't understand how dad had spent years saying he would do anything to have me back and then would do this when he finally got his chance to rebuild the relationship.
My dad has been trying to contact me but I have blocked him and refused to talk to him. I have also refused to speak to my grandparents. My dad has tried to convince my mom and sister to speak to me but I think he's burned his bridges with them.
The incident from the restaurant has spread and some people seem to be backing off. Like I said what my dad and Jane shouted at me was unforgivable and they were overheard and this is a small town. Hopefully people will back off and those who won't Im going to have to cut them out.
My sister is very unhappy with my dad and Jane and not speaking to them. She is blaming them for me going no contact again. My sister is not letting them see her kids. I don't know if my sister will reconcile but right now she is furious. My mom is also furious and apparently had a few choice word with my dad and Jane and has promised she will never pressure me again to speak to him.
I am going to go to individual therapy I think I definitely need it. I do feel bad about my half siblings as they haven't done anything wrong and am maybe open to having a distanced kind of relationship with them in the future but I'm not ready yet or if I'll ever be. I did send them a message on Facebook to apologize and tell them they've done nothing wrong.
Lastly to update you all - in regards to my fiance well I spoke to him yesterday about everything I had been radio silent since walking out on him. Basically he was pressured by his father to speak to my dad and was fed a sob story of a misunderstood father desperately wanting to be in his daughters life.
Logan had become annoyed with me refusing to attend his family events and walking out of his mother's birthday party when I realized my dad and Jane was there as he was getting pressure from his family about me ruining their events. He just wanted everyone to be happy and get along clearly at my expense.
Logan admitted my dad had paid for some of the vendors for the wedding but he did not know this until after it was already paid. His father had told Logan that him and his mom had paid. My dad had told Logan it was a gift and his way of contributing. Logan admitted my dad had asked him to speak to me on his behalf.
I told Logan he had betrayed my trust and I couldn't see myself marrying someone who does not support me. He broke down crying and apologizing to me and promising to never do it again.Logan was heartbroken and begged for a 2nd chance.
To those of you who wanted me to break up with him, I'm sorry to disappoint you but we are going to try and work through this. Apart from this issue he had been the best partner and I genuinely think that he had been manipulated by his family and my dad. Logan has promised to stand up to his family and go no contact with my dad.
I'm still living at my moms as I still need some space which I wont have if I move home. We are going to contact our wedding vendors and see what our options are next week.
Logan is begging for a postponement rather than cancel it altogether. We may still break up as actions speak louder than words and I need to see if he can rebuild what we had and show me I can trust and depend on him.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this update from the OP:
Actual-Offer-127
As much as I hate hearing about how your dad couldn't go a week without overstepping I'm actually kinda glad it happened. Your sister got to see exactly how you were treated as a child.
She was too young at the time to understand but this seems to have opened her eyes and helped her understand why you made the decision you did about her wedding. Going forward, it can help repair your relationship with her.
I'll probably be one of the few to say that I'm also happy you had the conversation with your fiance and you guys are going to work on it. As much as what he did and said sucked you can definitely understand the kind of pressure your family can put you under to try and get you to do something.
Your family has been putting the same pressure on you and I think they backed you both in the corner. Individual therapy is another really good plan. I started about 4 years ago and I have to say it truly has helped me with some of my issues.
I have all kinds of books I can recommend to you if you want. I know I sent you a PM about one that I think would be incredibly useful for you. It's a relatively quick read. I'm sending all the positive vibes your way.
Sleepy-Forest13
What kind of man allows himself to be manipulated to betray his partner?
One week later, the OP again returned.
"Update #7"
Parking_Breadfruit80
Hi everyone I did not plan to make another update at all but I'm still getting messages for an update and thought I would let you know the recent developments. Firstly I have canceled the wedding I was able to get some partial refunds but have lost some money. Logan begged me not to cancel the wedding but there was no way I could marry him after what he did.
I was set on giving him a 2nd chance and he promised me he would go low contact and stand up to his parents and issue an ultimatum that we would not tolerate any contact with my dad and Jane. Basically he would tell them we would not attend any event or party if they were invited and we would not tolerate any attempt to force contact or relationship with my dad.
He met with them to explain this to them. When he came back from this meeting he was quite irritable with me and appeared to have had a change of heart to summarize it - he was trying to convince me his family only meant well and that he can't go low contact with his family because he loves them and he can't dictate their friendships.
He then tried to convince me it won't be an issue in the future and his father would speak to my dad and tell him to be on his best behaviour in my presence. As soon as I heard this people's comments went through my head and the main one being if we had children he would take them to his family where my dad and Jane would be and I would have no control over this.
At that moment I realized I couldn't trust Logan and never would be able to. I broke up with him, he is not taking it well and keeps begging me to take him back and that he would go no contact with his family.
His family and friends are trying to convince me on his behalf not to end our relationship. He has made his choice and proven to me he is spineless. I don't need him in my life.
In regards to my dad I'm looking into getting a restraining order given what happened in the restaurant I might be able to but i don't know yet a friend of mine is helping me look into this.
My dad has kept a low profile since last week apart from a couple of attempts to apologize to me I haven't heard much from him. My sister still won't speak to him or Jane. Unlike me my sister is highly confrontational and has blasted him and Jane on social media with what happened at the restaurant and things that have happened in the past which I didn't know about.
My sister and Jane had a very public screaming match when she had seen them in town due to my sisters posts and demanding to take them down it ended up with Jane assaulting my sister. My dad apparently sided with Jane in this. My sister now hates Jane and refuses to speak to our dad who is also trying to contact her.
My dad and Jane’s reputation seems to have taken a hit and between the incident in the restaurant and my sisters fight with Jane and het numerous Facebook posts about them, People are gossiping.
This has worked well for me because some people have backed off which Im happy about unfortunately there are a few people still on his side including my ex's parents. As for my half siblings there's not much of an update in regards to them.
I've found a therapist however there is a bit of a waiting list before I can start my therapy. I'm still living with my mom who is completely on my side and I have found a kitten and pick her up next week.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's latest update:
peppermintvalet
Very classy dad there, blaming the 13 year child for being “difficult” instead of the grown woman who was emotionally abusing said child.
Kopitar4president
OP was expected to be a perfect little subservient angel to the woman who was an accessory to breaking up her parents marriage. At no point did anyone acknowledge wrongdoing by Jane and Dad.
OP probably thought she was taking crazy pills with how everyone was siding against her. It's lucky that Dad jumped the gun so quickly on trying to get everything he wanted without putting in the time and effort so people backed off.
SecretJoy
I had a stepmother like Jane, but luckily my dad left her when she said she "needed a break from his kids." There is legitimately no excuse for how OP's father behaved. OP was a child when all of this started, and it is WILD to me that he put the responsibility on her to get along with his affair partner.
averbisaword
Holy moly, just reading about the scene at the restaurant gave me heart palpitations. Poor OP. I hope people are starting to see the truth and will remember this. And Logan? Forget that guy. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.