'AITA for telling my wife she's free to find a hotel room if she doesn't want my daughter here?'
"AITA for telling my wife she's free to find a hotel room if she doesn't want my daughter here?"
Foreign_Friend8971
My daughter Ana is 16 years, she was an 'accident' when I was 24, Ana's mother and I were never together as a couple 'cause it was a one-night stand but we have maintained a friendly and healthy co-parenting since she was born and we became good friends.
My daughter's has been living on another continent for a few years with her mother and stepfather, but she wants to comeback because she doesn't feel comfortable there and misses her family and friends, Ana doesn't knows their lenguage well and it's still hard for her to learn it so she feels really lonely there.
I spoke with my daughter's mother and we thought it was a good idea to let Ana live with me, her room is now my home office but I can easily put together a room for her again. We didn't confirm anything, I talked to my wife about it first and I was sure that she was going to be okay with that because we literally talked about that possibility before.
The problem is that my wife doesn't want that to happen, my wife and Ana have never been close at all because they only meet in person for our wedding when I was able to pay a ticket for my daughter to come.
That was the last time I saw my daughter in person, plane tickets are too expensive, but they do tend to talk a little bit when I make video calls with Ana but not too much. Ana also talks to her brother and he likes her a lot even if they just see each other in video call.
My wife says Ana is not going to feel comfortable in a house with strangers and I told her that we are literally her family and she said no, she and our toddler are not Ana's family because they barely knows her in person.
It honestly hurts me that she thinks that way but I understand her point of view, altough our toddler IS Ana's brother and it really annoyed me that she said that because our little one really loves his sister even if they just see each other online.
I had an argument with my wife about it and I ended up telling her that my daughter will always come first of all, because it's true, for me my children will always come before any other person and she knew very well about my daughter when we married.
My wife got angry and said that bringing Ana home would change how we handle ourselves and that she doesn't want to be a stepmother, that said that Ana lived with her mother in another continent so it's not the same as having her right here everyday.
I told her that no one is asking her to be a stepmother because I will be the one who take care of her as always (My daughter used to stay many days with me and I was the one who took care of her, I'm not going to give my wife all the work because I was a 'single father' for a long time and I know how to take care of my daughter.
I work, I clean, I cook, I take full care of our son when she works and wants to go out and do something. We both support each other in raising our son. I don't understand why some people in the comments can't believe that a man doesn't leave all the work to the wife.
But that if she doesn't respect my daughter's presence in the house and hates it that much then she has all the freedom to go to a hotel room. I was a big idiot because those words obviously ended up really bad and we had a worse argument.
My daughter has every right to live in my house if she wants but my wife doesn't wants that, I really love my wife but my biggest focus is to give the best to my children and I would love to have my princess here after years.
My wife hasn't been talking to me at all and she's very angry, but she does continue with the same stance that she doesn't want Ana here at all and I know i will get angry and we will end up arguing again because I'm not going to leave my daughter alone neither.
Edit: My wife always knew that Ana lived with me several days a week when she was still in the country because I talked with her about that and the possibility of Ana's family returning to the country if things went wrong.
That would have meant that Ana would come back to live with me for many days or even months like she always did, my daughter used to come at my house everyday too. My wife agreed with that years ago when we talked about that, but now admits that she thought my daughter was going to stay out of the country with her mother because their business is going really well.
Edit2: Guys, I've been reading the comments non-stop for two hours and I have too much to think about. Thank you very much for the advice, whether bad or good this is helping me to reflect on several things that I did not take into account. But please don't be so harsh because I'm a real person haha.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
ProfPlumDidIt
Tbh, your marriage is over. Your wife openly doesn't want your daughter around and, even if she claims to change her mind to keep the marriage, it would be a lie. Even if she tried to pretend, people pick up on it when they aren't wanted or liked, so your daughter would literally feel your wife's dislike. You cannot bring your daughter into a home with your wife. It would harm her.
ScarletAngel313
My dad remarried when I was young and I would stay with him for the summers. His new wife treated me like “the other woman’s child” and constantly made it known I was a burden and she couldn’t wait until I was gone.
Not going to lie, that messed me up for years. The difference here is that you’re fighting for your daughter and actually making her your main priority, but I feel like your wife might be like my stepmother. Just something to consider if you decide to stay with your wife.
Bewitchingchick
Your wife doesn’t want to be a stepmother. Full stop. 🛑 She doesn’t want anything to do with your daughter. She’s going to be awful to her. I would reevaluate my relationship had anyone told me this.
*edit, the fact this woman doesn’t realize she IS a stepmother already is absolutely insane and messed up. 🚩
horrorbepis
Yeah, I feel like people might get confused. Not wanting to be a step parent? Totally understandable and fine. You just met someone, they have kids, you’re like “Oh, that’s not where I want to go.
I don’t want to be a stepdad” totally fine. You marry someone with a child already and a weird living schedule and arrangements and you don’t “want” to be a stepmom? Gigantic red flag.
aeroeagleAC
How do you marry someone without ever having a conversation about this possibility?
The OP responded here:
Foreign_Friend8971
We had it because she knows that my daughter used to stay in my home before she left the country. My wife says that in her mind my daughter was always going to live with her mother.
professionaldrama-
You love a woman who hates your daughter. You keep saying she won’t abuse your daughter but oh, boy! She started a power play and if you think she’ll stop… I will feel sorry for your daughter if you stay with your wife and make your poor daughter live with that woman who I bet will make everything to show her she’s not family.